Somewhere between reading Kesey's OFOTCN and listening to King Diamond's "Conspiracy" we intercepted this letter which intended to put an end to our rulership of the asylum's F-ward. In turn we're trying to avoid federal conviction so the names have been changed to protect those who have not been indicted.
From: Dr. A. R. Inch
To: Greater Psychedelic Health Institute of Satanica
c/o Dr. Saul Iman, Dr. A. Ran, Dr. Hojas de Yerba, Dr. Verr bel Izah
West Bank Business District
P.O. Box 666, E.R.O.S. 97537
Dear G.P.H.I.S. staff,
I wish to express a great deal of concern in regard to a former patient of yours named Alex Ofmay who is currently admitted to my facility. Since his transfer here over three weeks ago Alex's demeanor towards my staff and the other patients has quickly grown intolerable. He refuses to share a room with anyone else. He haggles with other patients over their medication. He spends all his recreational time in the computer lab and has configured one of those computers to restrict everyone else in the facility, but himself access to it. Technicians have been unable to fix this problem. His actions also include, but are not limited to:
- indiscriminately relieving himself in the hallways
- using a plastic bag inside a tube sock to masturbate in the dinning hall
- indecent fraternizing with staff, visitors, and other patients
- smuggling in and distributing marijuana to other patients
- spray painting the walls in his room with little or no ventilation
- generally corrupting the responsibilities and directives of staff members and other patients
I am writing to you to request information on some aspects of Alex's treatment history. He commented briefly on some of your methods for stabilizing him and I am anxious to hear your remarks on the following techniques allegedly used by your staff:
- daily conjugal visits paid for by the institute?
- midnight field trips concurrent with the lunar cycle?
- administering 5-MeO-DMT/MDMA combinations for headaches?
- pig's blood with all meals?
- the sacrifice of 13 Hot Vessel Cadaver™ Wannabes every evening from Charliemass until Saturnalia?
Please contact me as soon as possible regarding this matter.
Sincerely yours,
Dr. Ayin R. Inch
The asylum was kind enough to let an obscure staff member reply to Inch's inquiries.
Greetings, Dr. Inch
I fear that Alex is slightly misrepresenting our treatment regimen. First of all, the conjugal visits were funded by his health care provider, not by our institute. Secondly, his nocturnal excursions were not entirely concurrent with the lunar phase, they only occurred when the staff doctor confirmed a genuine need. Thirdly, we did not administer 5-MeO-DMT/MDMA combinations for headaches; instead, we administered it at bedtime. Fourthly, the "pig's blood" was merely ketchup. Fifthly, sacrifices were provided by his cousin, not by our institute. Incidentally, should he request goat semen with his meals, he means mayonnaise.Highest regards,
Dr. Deekoo (asylum supervisions & patient information @ G.P.H.I.S.)