Border of Moloch and Infictive County

I grew up on the border of Moloch and Infictive County. Through the side window of the family trailer I could see the OFTL building. Tall and imposing. Great evil is worked up there. Three generations of my cats have been run down on purpose by these bastards. Even now, Yellow shaman-lady, my yellow tabbie meows pitifully on the couch. She drags her hind legs behind her. She bleeds internally and smells like death. She mows and begs, "Fix me my human, fix me". But there's nothing I can do. I glare at the OFTL building while sipping cold vodka and swuatting away roaches...

So I take my vodka with me into the bathroom and take a shower. Wash off this bitterness. Wash off this hatred. I have things I must do. I must write the great American novel before I die and I am years behind schedule. Steamy hot water pulses on muscles sour from hours of work. I roll my head in slow circles and my neck bones pop and crackle....

I go to the couch. I'm done drinking vodka in long angry chugs as I think about how to start this elusive novel. I think up a character name. Penis Nickelsworth, a mid western misfit and his ugly fucked up childhood. I laugh at some of the ideas but soon black-out without writing any of them down. I wake up on the floor several hours later. The only new thing I have in my notebook is a title: Cursed by the Mid West

I made it home. Only fuzzy memories of getting here. I kiss my front door. I hate myself I love myself. I want to die. I want to live. I want to call everyone, just to say "Hi". I am seeing things. I think I punched out one of the windows of the OFTL building. I need to sleep. I would have passed out on the street if not for that drug I snorted. I wander if there's any vodka left. When I was young it seemed like anything was possible. Now it seems like there's no adventure left. A part of my brain screams out "Your on a adventure now", but it is far away. Everything is far away. I gotta get fucked up to feel. It seem alive. I hate me. I love me. I hate everything. I fumble for my keys and I let myself into my "home". I remember when people would flood in here. I remember getting off work and rushing to my four track tape recorder and casio sk-1 keyboard. To make a few tracks before my friends arrive and I talk the night away. Doug was still alive and everything was possible. Anything could happen. I cry....

So I pick myself up off the floor. At least I didn't vomit all over the place this time. Outside my window I see fancy expensive cars coming and going from the OFTL building. Hate bristles again. I'm still pretty drunk. I move the framed poster on my wall. Tapped behind it is a small plastic baggie containing a designer chemical named 3942-fS3. I bought it off the internet for 120 bucks. It contains enough powder crystals to kill three men. I carefully dole out a few specks and snort them with a rolled up five dollar bills. The burn is extreme. I choke and cough, my nose starts bleeding.

I plug the blood hole. I slowly feel the whirling buzz overwhelm my senses. I think I shall die this way but there is nothing left to live for. Once I smoked weed and was an artist. Now I'm just a hater. I hate the haters, but I'm still a hater. Best to die now. Maybe thats just the powder talking. Evil visions and vodka crowd my head, my emotions. Why this life? Why this world?

I think I'm going to puke! I'm wandering the streets. I don't remember starting on this drive. I am weaving from lane to lane. I gotta pull over before the cops get me. Put me in their punishment business system. Take away my freedom. I'm so fucked up. I think the vodka is overpowering the drug, although my vision is shining and blurred. Why am I here anyway? What was I looking for?

I feel horrible. I vomit out the driver side window. This fucking powder, that fucking vodka! I turn around. I don't recognize anything. Tracers overwhelm my visional stance. I want to fucking die. I want to fucking live. My friends are all so far away. I could call them, but I can't understand how my cell phone works. I'm a caveman. I pull over at a strip mall. I get out and start walking. I just want to sleep. I just want happy dreams. I have been having nightmares every night. What can I do? Have I lived too long? I collaspe onto a bus stop bench. I think I shall dry heave, theres nothing left inside of me to vomit out. The drug is talking to me. It says I have lived too long, its time to die, its time to reincarnate into my next life. But my back bone says live live live. I need to drink some water.....

I AM HOME. I stare at my front door and wander how I got here. I think I'm going to vomit again. I like to puke outside when I have to. Less clean up. But the neighbors might call the cops if I do. Would not be the first time. Those self righteous bitches. I'll kill them with my arms. I peck like a chicken at the lock with my key. I'm so horny. My cock tingles. My life the blood flow through my balls. I want sex, I want love.....

I take this poster down. Its not the right poster. The white powder is not here. I have lots of these posters lining my walls. I can't remember which one contains the powder drug. I fucking cracked the glass. I laugh but it ends in tears. What have I become?

Turn on the T V. I see a goddess on the screen. I love her. I want her. She is warm she is love. I press my crotch against the screen. It hurts my balls.

Ha ha! I am drinking vodka, I found the bottle. It is warm now but that just puts it in my blood stream quicker. Poison, pretty poison. I must get up and work in a few hours. If I sleep late I'm fired. Then I die. Gulp gulp chug. Fuck it. Someone called me from Portland Oregon but I missed the call and my voice mail is only silence. I have lots of money but I don't want anything. It means nothing. I shall spend it on energy drink and computers...I get lost in my home. The powder drug overwhelms my senses. I just want to come down and sleep it off.

I have been on the floor for awhile now. I am confused. I pull my clothes off. It takes a long time. I feel trapped inside my clothes. Once naked I feel my pours gasping for air. They tingle and glow. I am hot. I feel the sexual waves in my balls. My cock is rock hard. I feel like it feel burst like a balloon if I pierce it with a needle. A swollen need.

The T V glows like the Siren's song. She is fondling her breast. I close up. Her nipple bends under her fondling. I fondle myself. I takes a long time to get an erection. I feel dead....