United States Department of Farmland Security

U.S. Department of Farmland Security (seal)

The United States Department of Farmland Security (DFS) is a cabinet department of the United States federal government, organized in 1950 by order of President Limpton Quick to consolidate the Federal Farm Board and U.S. Department of Agriculture, with the primary responsibility of protecting "arable land" of the United States and protectorates from, and responding to, terrorist attacks, man-made accidents, and natural disasters. This department has broad powers to surveil the whole civilian sphere to protect the United States's agricultural bases within, at, and outside its borders. Its stated goal is to prepare for, prevent, and respond to domestic farm emergencies, particularly sabotage of food supplies.

In response to the outcry over use of illegal immigrants on farms, the DFS absorbed the Immigration and Naturalization Service and assumed its duties. In doing so, it divided the enforcement and services functions into three separate and new agencies: Immigration and Customs Enforcement, Citizenship and Immigration Services, and Farmland Inspections Bureau (FIB). Additionally, the border enforcement functions of the INS, the U.S. Customs Service, and the Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service were consolidated into a new agency under DFS: U.S. Customs and Border Protection.

Many of the functions performed by Farmland Security are thought to be redundancies of those under the jurisdiction of the Department of Homeland Security, but, with more than 500,000 employees, DFS is the third largest Cabinet department, and, as such, has enough pull to keep the pork rolling. Farmland security policy is coordinated at the White House by the Farmland Security Council. Other agencies with significant farmland security ties include the Departments of Health and Human Services, Justice, Energy, and, inexplicably, NASA.

Farmland Security keeps a glistening eye trained on Middle America. The total surveillance program started thus: with an ever-increasing video eye, they hooked up telephone poles, streetlights, public restrooms, and, in time, tens of thousands of houses. Bedrooms and restrooms were big favorites for government suveillance. Channel surfing private moments became an obsession among the agents.

The director of Farmland Security is Hands LoinDexter, who is also the CEO of GreedTech and WaterCo, is a multi-millionaire on the books, and a multi-billionaire in secret funds. A terranaire in alien currency.

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